Should there be a qualifying test of knowledge of Irish society and culture for new Irish citizens? Should Irish-born citizens have to do refresher courses in order to keep their passports ? Members of the Political World forum in the main thought not, but recently attempted to draft a questionnaire on how to be Irish :
Irish Citizenship Qualification / Retention Certificate – Questionnaire
1. What would you expect to be offered if you were invited into Daniel O’Donnell’s Donegal home ?
2. Who, or what, would you kick with the left foot ?
3. When a Irish person tells you “Don’t worry, shure it’ll be grand”, should you feel reassured ?
4. You receive £6 for a fourteen hour day digging tunnels for the London Underground ? What is least you can survive on in order to feed and maybe educate your family back home ?
5. Who should obey the law? should the law be followed: – always, – never, – only when it suits, – only when there is no chance of not getting away with breaking it ?
6. D’Unbelievables are
a) A technical grouping in the Dáil
b) The banking sector
c) A comedic duo
7. If a family is said to have ‘taken the soup’ what did they do?
8. Dublin 4 refers to
a) Developers wrongfully imprisoned
b) a postal code
c) the intellectual headquarters of Ireland?
Photo: Daíl Eireann (PW Images)
9. What is a BIFFO?
10. When is ” the Bishops’s Ring” kissed ?
11. True or False:
A Troika is how Santa delivers the prezzies at Christmas in Ireland
11. Who’s taking the horse to France ?
12. Joseph Kony leads
(a) the Tribe of Gaels
(b) the Soldiers of Destiny
(c) the Lord’s Resistance Army
13. An cúpla focal are
a) all the Irish you need to know for citizenship
b) the first Official Language of Dáil Éireann
c) a requirement for speeches in the Gaelic Athletic Association
14. Toll road charges for vans increase by 50c every
A. 6 minutes
B. 6 hours
C. 6 days
15. Fianna Fail is
(a) a political party
(b) a mafia organisation loosely disguised as (a)
(c) An expensive collection of desserts served in the finest restaurants in South Dublin
16. You have one potato. Someone gives you another potato. How long will it take before you are subject to the new chips tax ? Do we assume that “you” is not of sufficient means to influence the Government of the day to introduce a tax exemption perfectly tailored to his particular situation?
17. The correct description of the Irish climate is
a) Temperate
b) Continental
c) Total ***te
18. Bertie Ahern is
(a) an honest, salt of the Earth working class politician (retired)
(b) a wild plant found in alleys in North Dublin, which thrives in areas of high urine deposits
(c) a thief
19. Irish productivity rates are
a) Higher than Greece
b) Higher than Germany
c) Downright amazin’ in the circumstances
20. How many generations of your children must you commit to debt slavery, before you can become an Irish citizen ?
a) More than 2.
b) It’s a trick question as each generation will have the sameness of everything and their owners will ensure their future possessions.
c) Ah sure, don’t worry about it. We’re turnin’ the corner.
21. The Irish Legal System is written in
(a) accordance with the principles of common law
(b) crayon
(c) rapidly dissolving Guinness extract.
Which brings us to the essay-type question:
22. Outline the cultural significance of Márla to the ruling classes in Ireland between the years 1929 to 1967.
3,000 words max. Pass/Fail
23. It is proposed to build a piece of necessary national infrastructure near your home. Do you,
(a) Welcome this positive development.
(b) Round up a bunch of idiots to try to prevent it.
24. Fill in the blanks:
Corruption, Cronyism, _________, Nepotism, _________!
25. What is Ireland’s most common garden flower?
A. The Rose
B. The Petunia
C. The Trampoline
26. Ireland is a member state of the European Union. So is Germany. Germany is
(a) where the woman who is doing ALL the damage to the Irish economy lives
(b) the place where most of the major decisions affecting the Irish economy are taken
(c) home of Europe’s biggest economy
(d) a place where they don’t even speak English
(e) all of the above.
27. If you admit tax fraud, will your punishment
(a) be quick and severe.
(b) be just and fair
(c) depend on who you are
28. If you have a Learner Permit you are obliged by law to be accompanied by a qualified driver while you’re driving. Should you,
(a) Only drive if accompanied.
(b) Drive however you want cause it’s your effin car!
If caught doing (b) do you
(a) accept the punishment. You broke the law after all
(b) ask your neighbour/cousin/friend who is a Garda to “get you off”
(c) have your Ma contact the local TD
29. Which is the best way to get to the match ?
Via
a) the Red Cow
b) Horse and Jockey
c) the Jack Lynch tunnel
30. Which Northern Ireland* county is closest to Dublin?
A. Belfast
B. Manchester United
C. Donegal
*Illegally occupied 6 county, gerrymandered, partial statelet.
31. An Irish Passport can be of use for which of the following…
a) Travelling within the European Union
b) A form of ID
c) All of the above and assassinating Palestinians in Dubai
32. Skeoughvosteen, Skeheenarinky and Oulart the Ballagh are
a) Expletives
b) Forms of potato blight
c) Scenic villages
33. Does a ‘Sanity Clause’ have any standing in Irish law?
A. No
B. Only on December 25th
C. Yes but not as high a standing as Patrick and Brigid.
Contributors: Spectabilis, Dr. FIVE, 5intheface, C. Flower, Slim Buddha, DCon, PaddyJoe, Baron von Biffo, Captain Con O’Sullivan, Seán Ryan, fluffybiscuits
6 Sept. 2012
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